Grief

Today is my friend Shanices birthday.

Usually on birthdays you throw a party, there's confetti and you eat a whole lot of cake. There's something different about her birthday though.

January 15th, 2015, Shanice lost her life in a tragic car accident. It was unexpected, sudden, and changed all of our lives forever.

Over the past year or so, things have been different and I celebrate days a little differently and most importantly: life little differently. I learned a lot about grief as well.

Five things I've learned about grief

1. It's okay to be bitter. 

A girl walked into school today and had a crown on and cupcakes because it was her birthday as well. Any other day, I would've congratulated her and asked for a cupcake... But I was selfish. I didn't wish her a happy birthday, I was just annoyed. But it's okay to be bitter, and it's okay to feel guilty about it too. 

2. Express your feelings

•I've learned it's okay to post a huge paragraph on social media, just to type your feelings out. It's okay to have something simple that reminds you of them. I always thought it was silly before, but now I have a bear I take with me anytime that I know I'm going to have a rough day, or even just a big test or competition or something. I call it my Shanice bear and that's how I hold onto her a little more... Expressing your feelings means it's okay to call your friend in the middle of the night and tell her how angry you are... It happens. It's grief.

3. It's okay to cry

•I'm an ugly crier. My lips swell, my eyes get red and puffy, and they stay like that forever. It's okay to cry at little things, like a song or a memory that reminds you of your friend, a happy moment that you wish they were there for, or crying just to cry. It happens, and you'll feel better. If there's anything I've learned, don't hide your tears. They will come out eventually.

4. Don't feel bad for moving on

•when I say moving on, I don't mean forget your friend completely. But over time, it'll get easier day by day. And that's okay. You're not forgetting them, you're just adjusting, and that's okay too. Don't feel bad for living life, because that's what they would want you to do, and they're watching you do that as well. 

5. Life changes

•your life changes positively and negatively. The negative is of course that you have to live without someone you love with all your heart. The positive is, one day you'll realize they're in a better place, and that you have someone watching you from Heaven. After someone passes, you hold onto the ones you love a little more and take in the precious moments of life a little more. When Shanice passed, it brought my friend group so much closer together. We all needed a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. I remember we all went to my friend Emilies house, and just sat there and cried and sung "lean on" together all night. We all looked ugly, and were so sad, but that precious memory of us holding onto each other is something I'll remember forever.

Life without Shanice has been hard. For me, my friends, her family and just our community in general. We all loved her, and today my heart hurts, but that's okay. There are days it gets easier, and there are days it gets harder. Sometimes I get mad, sometimes I get really upset, and sometimes I'm rejoicing that she's in Heaven... and that's okay. 

Happy birthday Shanice, I know you're partying in Heaven. I love you and miss you more than you'll ever know...